The Question Of Sex Education

I have worked at The Boudoir for 4 years and have listened to many women talk about how they struggle to enjoy orgasm. At the same time over the past couple of years my 14 year old daughter has been attending sex education at school (sorry PHSE). Why are women so good at faking orgasm? Because sex education from the age of 12 teaches us all the methods of procreation without explaining about how to enjoy sex as recreation. Only with sexual experience do many women realise that although the text book motions are gone through an orgasm can be a long time coming if it ever graces us with its arrival at all. Biology may form an important part of sex education, but considering the number of times you actually try for a baby (in some cases never) and how often you enjoy sex as a pleasurable pursuit wouldn’t it be prudent to really explain to girls how to enjoy their body. Confidence in your body engenders a self-knowledge and self-respect that can only be positive to females, especially when it comes to the opposite sex. Never once is a girl shown in an educational environment which part of her body needs attention for orgasm and instead the quality of information received is dependant on how lucky you are in the parental communication or sensible friend stakes.  

What a con! Mrs Lockyear never mentioned the clitoris in year 2 when she was showing us how to put a condom on a banana.

My best friend showed me her clitoris under a drama box when she was 13 and told me she used a plethora of apparatus to stimulate it. She wanted me to ask my mum if it was ok, which I did and luckily she told us it was healthy to enjoy your own body but be careful with the apparatus – good old mum!    

There seems to be two types of sex education, the first anatomical/biological version that ensures the proliferation of the planet (as we are so desperately in need of more people) and the second experiential lessons you learn (good ones if you are lucky) about how to enjoy your body alone or with a partner.

It may not be high on the agenda at the moment but wouldn’t we benefit from a re-think on the sex education front? 

My conversation with Mr R

I took a call from a gentleman the other day and we had a lengthy discussion about his sex life. The couple had been married for many years and Mrs R, his wife, had never had an orgasm during sex. Mr R was very keen to spice up the marriage and pleasure his wife in a way he felt he hadn't before. The ensuing effort had led to his purchase of sexy outfits (although she insisted in turning off the lights to emerge from the ensuite), a rabbit vibrator he had brought from us 4 months prior and a lubricant to use during sex. Mrs R hadn't enjoyed the rabbit vibrator although Mr R had loved using it on her, she felt the rotating shaft was unnatural and hadn't enjoyed the experience. Our conversation lasted for 1/2 an hour and at the end I really felt for Mr R, he loved and wanted his wife but felt he always seemed to miss the mark when it came to her sexual satisfaction.

He knew that she used sex toys alone as he found various women's toys in her drawer so why hadn't they succeeded in enjoying them together? It really only boils down to one thing; communication.
It seemed Mrs R had become accustomed to not having an orgasm with her husband and enjoyed a collection of vibrators when he left the house. It had become a habitual pattern of behaviour whereby they enjoyed the intimacy of sex but Mrs R only expected to experience the joy of orgasm during self pleasure. A sexy outfit is always top of the 'improve your sex life list' but in reality dressing up the outside isn't going to improve a sex life which needs working on from the inside. Opening up communication, letting go, trusting your partner, experimenting and demonstrating what it is that you find pleasurable are the list toppers.

'Spice up your sex life' its a women's mag cliche, but number one top of the list is not to light a few candles and rub in some massage oil but to TALK. I understand that this can be difficult, some people just aren't comfortable talking about their sexual preferences but little steps eventually take you a long way and sometimes grabbing a rabbit and donning suspenders just isn't going to break down a sexual routine built up over many years.

What did I suggest to Mr R? Well for practical advice, instead of a rabbit vibrator (he brought the thruster anyway!) I suggested a clitoral vibrator for his wife and gave him a few positions to adopt so that she could integrate her usual clitoral massage when they made love. We chose a cock ring to keep him harder to the longer sessions and a vibrating ring to use in the missionary position. I suggested he leave the sexy outfits until they were both comfortable with a new approach and that he ask her about the ways in which she pleasures herself with some direction on his technique.

A great sex life isn't just about the earth shattering orgasms but the intimacy and trust it can create which very quickly benefit all areas of your life. Enjoy!

Oh and good luck to Mr R, you have got to love the man for trying!

Clitoral Play

When beginning with clitoral play its a good idea to apply a sex lubricant to the entire vulva including the clitoris, inner labia and outer labia. If you prefer insert a finger into your vagina and transfer your natural lubrication instead.

Get familiar with your clitoris and discover the most pleasurable parts to concentrate the stimulation. Use a finger tip to slowly rub the sides of your clitoris familiarising yourself with its size, shape and sensitive zones.

Run your finger or clitoral vibrator along the entire length, stimulating the inner clitoral and inner labia nerve endings. You will now begin to feel a plumpness in your lips and any further play should result in a heightened sensitivity.

When using a clit stim or your finger contract your pelvic muscles as you feel the pleasant sensations build up. Continue to 'pump' your pelvic muscles as the pleasure rises as it increases lubrication, assists the arrival of orgasm and intensifies the climax when it happens.
Try to stimulate the clitoris to the point of its 'erection' whereby it pops out from under the hood and can be clearly seen. Increase your speed on this area now in order to build towards climax.Direct pressure to this area is often too much for most women and using the inner lips to rub over the clit creates a buffer, enabling only the pleasant feelings from this sensitive area.
Breathing is an important part of masturbation and deeper breaths will carry more oxygen around the body aiding blood flow and making you feel more relaxed. Gently move your hips it can help to induce orgasm and makes the pelvic squeeze easier to maintain.

You may want to increase your massaging speed as orgasm approaches or if using a vibrator increase the vibration level in the latter stages of masturbation. Hold the pelvic muscles as you feel orgasm approaching and remember to take a big breath as your climax begins, it serves to send the pleasure right to the tips of your toes and extends the orgasmic experience.

Are Intelligent Men More Sexy?

We have recently had a debate in the office (the usual tea break deliberation) about the attractiveness of intelligent men and what it is that creates that sexual allure that many of us find compelling in the bedroom.

Now I have never been a fan of the beef cake or the David Beckham where poor eloquence is made up with perfect masculine honing. In my younger days my crush was Louix Theroux who although looks like a slightly geeky Oxford academic used to get me juicy wet watching weird weekends in my room. Another crush was John Thaw as Inspector Morse (I have since found out shared by many) the intellectual, Opera loving, classic car driving Inspector we all secretly wanted to conquer and overcome in a sexual frenzy accompanied to one of his usual operatic choruses on full pelt (Ok that was just my fantasy I digress).

The question is what drives the sexual desire for the 'thinking women's crumpet'?

One theory is that intelligence is associated with success so psychologically we are attracted to an Alpha Male who author Mark Prokosch PHD says " ensures material benefits now, and later could pass on these desirable traits to his offspring".

I'm not entirely buying the basic human urge to produce more intelligent children line and instead simply base the urge to fuck an intelligent man on the various sexual receptors he gives off, usually unwittingly.

Eloquence is sexy there is no denying, when a man can manipulate his tongue in ways that stimulate your mind it also stimulates the loins.

The mind and body are inextricably linked and eloquence can be foreplay to many, a sex toy for the mind. Intelligent men also tend to exude a confidence that proves irresistible. Without an egoism this can prove a very powerful aphrodisiac which turns on us girls.

They say knowledge is power and for us thinking girls it holds a sexual power we find achingly alluring.

Bigger Better Orgasms

The new year is a perfect time for cutting out the naughty treats, hauling yourself to the gym & toning the body beautiful but did you know that an improved diet & regular exercise actually improves your orgasm too. In The Boudoir's guide to better orgasms we learn that the physical & mental benefits to improved health are a sheet clenching climax like never before.

What more motivation could you need to restart the fitness regime after too many mince pies this christmas!

Sex & Surveys

I have never been asked to take part in a survey in my life so am always dubious when the so called stats from a survey are published that are supposed to represent my opinion.

According to Clear blues survey (yes the pregnancy testing people hardly inspiring sexy thoughts especially as I have three children) a massive 41% of women are not satisfied with the amount of sex they are having.

I wonder is this due to their own motivational issues?

Lets face it in general the men in our lives have to be beaten off with a big stick at times & never waiver on the invitation of some bedroom antics.

How do you up the sexual motivation? Put it first for a start. If you expect to feel horny after dinner, washing up, eastenders, making packed lunches, online shopping etc then that's wishful thinking. Create ambiance in the bedroom to evoke passion & introduce items to encourage foreplay & quality time. Massage candles are a recent introduction by many of the luxury adult goods manufacturers & are fabulous for quality Boudoir fun. Encourage your partner to explore your erogenous zones with sexual enhancers & nipple gels, you don't need an arsenal of sex toys to focus on your sex life just time & motivation. Enjoy!